Sometimes I get so sad. I feel so bad because I don’t want this baby. It’s mine! It’s something beautiful and a good thing and it’s staring me right in the face and I still don’t want it. Now I feel guilty about killing myself because I would leave Joseph with the responsibility of a baby. I’m so scared because I am so fucked up in my head. You know they say stuff like “you can’t trust a person who is really happy all the time” well, I think describes me. I’m fucking crazy. I’m too softhearted. I’m too quiet, I’m not smart and I have only made bad decisions this far on my life. I feel so bad for Joseph. I hate that he has to “save me” and I don’t know how to be the strong, independent woman that he so badly wants me to be. I’ll never be good enough. I’m so sad. So sad. I want to die
Joseph and I are terribly sick. His head won’t stop hurting. He keeps referring to it as A splitting headache. I can feel my sickness in my tummy. My belly just feels so tight and firm and I don’t want to move my belly very fast bc it feels downright uncomfortable. I can’t imagine how Joe feels. Poor Joseph. I hate when he’s sick. It pangs me to see him like that. He’s lying on the our leather couches in the living room with a water bottle to his head. I keep reminding him that he could take half of the pain pill and feel better but he’s a tough guy so he never hears me out.
I wish I wrote more. More memories, more good times. Obviously not good times now but I am extremely perspective and can see life through a different point of view. (If I want too. Most times I choose to be stubborn.) I’m going to try to go back to bed now.
I can’t decide if I should take the comforter to Joe or not. Probably not. But I’ll still try.
Sometimes I sit around and I listen to oldies music and cry. I think of the different songs as Joseph and mines first dance as a married couple. Gosh. I wish he would ask me to marry him so bad. Sometimes I think of using the Whitesnake song “Here I Go Again” as our wedding song and still cry hahahaha gosh.
I cried in my car out to God today, I prayed that he help me. To guide me. I am so pregnant. I get so frustrated. I am full of emotion and I am having trouble handling it all during work. This, in turn, makes me feel lazy. I feel incompetent. I don’t want to be like my moms and not have good work ethic. I really just want a job that I enjoy. Now I wonder if I’ll ever find it. I’m so sad and so tired. I hate feeling so crazy. 😞